The College Mama

Shedding my heart

Yesterday I went for a walk and ended up behind our local elementary school. As I walked past the swing set I decided to sit down and swing for a few minutes. A few minutes turned into several minutes. As I swung I stared at the school and pictured my kids running through the halls and playing on the playground. I remembered having to literally drag Ben down the hall the first few weeks of Kindergarten. He wasn't too fond of school. I thought about the crazy mornings trying to get four little children ready for school and out the door on time. I thought about school open houses, chorus concerts, third grade Apple Festivals and many, many other things...things that won't happen again. Things that I miss. 

When I gave birth to Ben I couldn't imagine loving another child the way I loved him. I quickly found that with each new addition, my heart grew and it has continued to grow over the past 20 years. I love all four of my kids in a way that can't adequately be described in words. I think that my heart grew so when the time came to send them off, they could take a piece of it with them.

Despite the tears that are running down my cheeks as I type this post, I know that my children's growth is a very good thing. I need to keep reminding myself of this because when I walk by an empty bedroom or stare at an empty elementary school, my heart hurts. As painful as this heart shedding process is maybe it's necessary to make room for new growth. Instead of loving my children as babies, I now have the opportunity to love them as the wonderful adults they're becoming. I like that idea. I really do. I think it's going to take a little time though. I may need to spend a little more time on the swing set shedding a few more pieces of my heart and telling myself that it's going to be okay. It will be...right?

Turning back the clock

20 years ago my life was so different. Parenting little children was all consuming. Life was a little crazy to put it mildly. There were days when I thought I would be changing diapers F-O-R-E-V-E-R. I honestly never believed a time would come when every waking moment wouldn't revolve around meeting the needs of children. I know people always comment about time passing quickly. It's one of those things we tend to talk about when engaging in casual conversation...that and the weather. Well, guess what. TIme really does pass quickly. There's nothing casual about the emotions that surface when I talk about how different things are now. Gone are the days of diapers, story books, toys, doctor visits and sibling rivalry. Oh it's nice to be able to come and go as I please without thinking about the need for a babysitter. It's nice to be able to have homework free evenings and nights of uninterrupted sleep. I could list many things that are nice now but to be honest, I'd give it all up in a heartbeat to have a chance to turn back the clock; maybe not permanently but every now and then. On those days when my heart aches to be able to give a simple hug to one of my children, it would be so wonderful to be able to push a button and once again have them fighting over who was going to sit on my lap.

Since turning back the clock isn't an option, I thought I would take the opportunity to do a little stroll down memory lane. This will also give me the chance to introduce you to each of my children. I'll do this over the course of the next few weeks. Let's start today with my oldest son, Ben.

Ben was born on January 21, 1987. We were so happy to welcome this little guy into our family.

 

We were SO in love with our little Ben.

As the months progressed, we could tell we had a real charmer on our hands.

Not only was he charming, he was also cool and mischievous.

Ben was always a very hard worker.

The only fault I have ever been able to find with him is that he grew up much too fast.

One last picture, taken a few weeks ago after Ben crawled out of bed at the crack of noon.

Ben is now a student at Penn State University, majoring in physics. One day when he was 5-years-old he told me that he was never going to move away because he wanted to take care of me for the rest of my life. Ben if you're reading this, as much as I'd like to take you up on that offer I'm really proud of the person you're becoming. You have so many things to offer this world; things that are much greater than taking care of your dear ol' mom. Although, every now and then feel free to take a few minutes to make me feel like you still need me because truth be told I need you. I always will.